A few years ago, I wrote a text about a daily fact of life, about me walking and finding a lost cat and how it made me fall in internal question about feelings, actions and intentions. Funny that I remembered it today, and I realized...
Here the text:
“I was walking in a day like any other after school , the same noises as ever, children going home , people gossiping , cars everywhere with hungry people going home or restaurant for lunch.
But, in the way I always took, closest to the suburbs, everything were quieter, often a deadly silence, under the strong midday sun.
And one day, annoying like all days, in my way something did deserve attention, I heard a little sound, a shy and acute meow, but it sounded strong in the middle of silence, in a corner and saw a small black kitten.
At first, I thought to ignore the cat, like I do to all the scenery around me, who have always been ignored, but that meow and those green yellowish eyes in the middle of the dark fur, prevented me. So I stopped, approached to the cat, lowered my body, and started petting the animal.
And we stayed like that, me rubbing my fingers through the cat’s hairy back and he purring and rubbing his body on me looking for some comfort, for some time. When I remembered I needed to leave. I had many things to do in that day.
So, I took courage. I got up, and moved on quickly, I could not stay with him even if I wanted. And for some moments I wanted.
I took my way out fast, without ever looking back, afraid to see those eyes and feel remorse for leaving him alone. But at that moment, while I was walking, in my mind, a storm of thoughts and questions fell over me.
First I got a idea of accomplishment, the good action of the day, I caressed the cat . What a good thing, right? I was not sure... I wondered if I would not have been bad, given affection and hopes for the kitten, and then thrown it back to the corner, as if I had never seen him before. I was alreand i started to think about false feelings, delusion, broken hopes and how it take us to the deep despair and loneliness. But my affection for the cat was real, that small moment was real, but did the cat know that? Could the cat understand that? Would the people, that I didn’t meet in long time, know that what I felt and feel for them is not mere illusion or fake? How should I fell and think about it, especially about the ones that needed to turn their back to me?
I breathed deeply, like someone looking for air after a long swim through the sea, of doubts and thoughts of my mind. And then it occurred to me, an insight, and if maybe the kitten feel that at least for a moment someone gave affection. Like all the happy memories I keep inside myself. If the cat felt for a moment that get something good and at least for a moment he was important to someone and could understand that was all that the person could give him.
How many times we are like kittens, or like people who give some little affection to the kitten? And how do we feel?”
...I Realized ... I'm still like a lost kitten ...
searching for crumbs of affection... and still trying to find out how to conceive what I got...